When You Can't Set Things in Order

I have a relationship that ended badly last year. I was in a dark place while I was pregnant, and I withdrew from everyone I knew, partially because of depression and partially in a last-ditch effort to protect those relationships from ruin. (I wasn't a very nice person when I was pregnant, which was a strange, new thing for me. I really didn't know how to handle it.)

This particular relationship suffered more than the others did for a reason I don't completely understand. Before I knew it, this person was offended beyond repair and out of my life without a glance back.

I tried to apologize, but they were in no mood to hear it.

And so I let that person go. What else was there to do? I thought about them every once in a while during the next few months. Always wishing I had an opportunity to ask what happened. To clarify whatever they misunderstood. But their message was clear when they left: I don't want to hear from you. Leave me alone.

And that is perhaps the worst feeling in the world. Wanting to making something right, but not being able to.

The months passed.

I decided to break my silence with this person, knowing full well that it was not welcomed. I got no response. This was almost worse than a bad response.

The next day I was sitting at church pondering this struggle I was having. The desire I could not make happen: to set things straight. I sat on the back row of Relief Society, half-way listening to the lesson, praying, pondering, then, resignedly, scrolling through Facebook. I happened to come across an article that was posted by a Mormon page I follow. It was a General Conference message from 1977 by Elder Boyd. K Packer, titled "Balm of Gilead." He talks about excess baggage that we sometimes carry in our lives. Of it, he said:

"Some of it you have to get rid of without really solving the problem. Some things that ought to be put in order are not put in order because you can’t control them."
And then I realized I needed to put down this excess baggage I'd been carrying around. I couldn't fix it with the person I'd (however unwittingly) offended because they had their own agency and I could not control them, even though I had good intentions. All I could do was work it out with God. I spent the rest of the meeting in silent supplication to give my burden to the Lord. In the end, He's the only one I'm responsible to. And you know what? It worked. I felt healing and peace for the first time in a long time.

I know the Savior is anxious to take our burdens. We are the ones who are often unwilling to give them up. When we do give them up, he takes those chains of our weaknesses and worries and forges them into our crowns of glory.

He can heal us.

He can take away our worries, not just our sins.

He is waiting to purify and exalt us, if we just let him.

Enthusiastic Patriotism

I have been shamed. Our whole society has been shamed.

Shamed into believing that America is not a great country.

She has too many flaws, too many imperfections, too many blemishes in Her past. She is unworthy to be applauded or celebrated. She has done more bad in the world than good.

I don't know when it was, but sometime during the last couple of years I started to believe these lies. Well, I like to think that I didn't really believe them. But I was at the very least shamed into silence. I didn't dare oppose the lies.

Cultural genocide.
Imperialism.
Slavery.
Racism.
War-mongering.
Medling.

These words have come to dominate into the conversation about the history of our nation. And how do you oppose that? They have the facts, they have the proof. They say, America has a dark past that must be revealed. They insist, we have to tell the world how truly bad we've been. They argue, not only must we reveal this dark past, but we must make it the dominating view on our history.

I saw the effects of this "new history" during my college classes. American Studies was my major. No longer did I hear about the great and wonderful America that I'd grown up learning about and loving. Now I was being told that it'd all been a lie. America wasn't that good. They made a point to highlight every flaw at every opportunity.

This gets a little depressing after a while.

And pretty soon, I was a once-proud American who is too afraid to celebrate Independence Day with too much enthusiasm because I'd been told it's all fiction.

Founding Fathers? Slave holders.
Declaration of Independence? Just talk.
Constitution? Racist.
Colonists? Native killers.

I read an article called, "What I'm Celebrating Instead of America's Birthday this Fourth of July," and it made me sad. Really sad.

Now it's not even worth celebrating. We have to create a new, unintelligible, mish-mash holiday to replace it, because it's just that bad to say, "I love America!"

And then later that day I read a friend's post on Facebook, and it shook some sense into me:

"Do we love our country less when we wish it was better? OF COURSE NOT!"

And that made me realize, dang it, I love this holiday! I love this country! I FREAKING LOVE AMERICA!

Think about it this way. I seriously love my husband. Is he perfect? Has he never made a mistake? Has he never been wrong? Does he always live up to expectations? OF COURSE NOT. But you better believe that I love him. And I don't have to qualify my love with any "buts" every time I tell him or someone else that I love him.

It's the same concept. Don't be afraid to love America-- and don't apologize about it either!

So that's how I came to realize: celebrating something doesn't make you blind to its imperfections. And when you love something you don't have to add reservations to that love because of shortcomings.

It feels good to be enthusiastically patriotic again.

Celebrate on!

Pictures Tell A Thousand Words

Words are inadequate to describe this amazing experience.

I'll let the pictures do the talking.

What a great guy. :)

Sweet Serendipity

Serendipity (n):

finding something good without looking for it.

Ever heard the song "Sweet Serendipity" by Lee DeWyze? (If not, do it now.) It's one of my favorites, and I listened to it again today.

The first few lines almost exactly describe my life right now, so much so that it was almost comical:

I ain't got no car, [true]
and I got one pair of jeans. [ok, I have two pairs, but that might not last long]
They've been stretched too far,
and now they're weak at the seams. [yup]
I can't see what's next, [exactly]
and I got nothing up my sleeve

Just as I wanted to think that life sucks, I realized that the next few lines are true for me as well:

but I don't loose my head
'cause it ain't really up to me.
And I'm doing just fine,
I'm always landing on my feet,
In the nick of time,
and by the skin of my teeth.

Then the resolution:

I ain't gonna stress,
'cause the worst ain't happened yet.
Something's watching over me
like sweet serendipity.


That something watching over me takes many forms: my amazing family, great ward, wonderful roommates, inspired church leaders, and especially my loving Heavenly Father.

I heard someone bear his testimony on Sunday and say that he was the luckiest man on earth. And I think the same is true of each of us. In our own way, we are each the luckiest person in the world. Think about it. Remember how blessed you are, especially if you can't see it right now.

And listen to that song over and over. It really helps. :)

28/30 Things: Misunderstood

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What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

I think a lot of people misunderstand my quietness. Most of the time, I just want to listen, not talk. That doesn't mean that I don't have anything to say. A lot of times, I like to listen and absorb, but not contribute-- at least not until I've had time to form my thoughts into words. I am just kind of a quiet person. Not necessarily shy, but thoughtful. I probably think too much, actually. :)

27/30 Things: Love Language

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What is your love language?

My love language is either Words of Affirmation or Physical Touch (see The 5 Love Languages). I really like to be told that I am appreciated. I like little compliments, notes, terms of endearment, and praise/encouragement. I kind of thrive on what others think of me, which can be good and bad.

Touch is powerful and comforting. A simple hug can work wonders. Romantically, one of my favorite things is holding hands. It's a small thing, but that little connection is so reassuring and simply wonderful. People playing with my hair is another favorite. So relaxing!

26/30 Things: Body

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What is your favorite part of your body and why?

This is an interesting question, something I'm not sure I've ever thought about before. I'd probably have to say my hands are my favorite thing about me. Though they aren't dainty by any stretch of the imagination, I still like that my fingers are slender and long. My nails have always been naturally pretty and long, and I love that part of my hands, too. Mostly, I like everything I can do with my hands, including, but not limited to: sign language, typing, playing piano, eating, holding hands, punching, texting, etc... the list goes on and on.

If I had a second favorite, it would be my hair. I really like having my natural hair color and I love how long it is right now. I've never really had hair this long in my life, and I am loving it!

That one time I was a photographer

Just in case you're wondering, this guy is still following me around:

But it's cool, I don't really mind it. The only complaint I would have is that I haven't been sleeping very much lately... but that's to be expected, right? I can sleep when I'm dead.

That picture was taken at one of my best friend's wedding receptions a couple weekends ago. It was a lovely night, in a beautiful backyard, with great friends. And I got to take pictures for her. Here are a few that I took:

The Beautiful Bride

My good friends Kiera and Alicia

Bride and Groom

Cake smashing action

So cute! I love them!

So, there's this guy...

...and he's pretty cool.

We spend a lot of time together, 

and I think he's kinda cute.

He likes me too.

I'm a happy girl :)

25/30 Things: Dinner in History

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If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

This might be a bit of a stretch, (but hey this question is impossible anyways, right?) but I would love the opportunity to have dinner with my mom's younger self, like when she was my age. Wouldn't that be interesting? I've always struggled to picture what my mom was like when she was younger, and I've always wanted to know. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been friends with my mom if we were peers. She's my best friend right now, but would we have been if we were the same age? Interesting to think about.

So, in what time period is this dinner taking place? If I go back to her time for the dinner, we'd eat at Training Table (which doesn't exist anymore). If she's coming to present day, I'd probably opt for Cafe Rio. :)

24/30 Things: Family Dynamics

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Describe your family dynamics as a child vs. your family dynamics now.

I don't think that my family's dynamics have changed much over the years-- but who knows, maybe I'm completely wrong. My perception is kind of skewed because I don't remember things very clearly from when I was a child. I think the most change occurred when I left home and came to college. I became a lot closer to my parents when I didn't have them around (paradoxical, right?). Suddenly I realized what they meant to me and did for me when I didn't have that anymore. I was calling them a lot more, which meant we talked instead of spent time together. This changes a relationship because you get to know someone in a different way when you talk to them without being with them. I think it makes you more emotionally closer in a sense. Another thing that changed when I left home was my relationship with my sister. She and I had been on good terms most of my life, but things were a little rocky during the teenage years. But once I left home and had that separation, it was easier to be friends with her on a new level. Now we get along really pretty well.

23/30 Things: Hobbies

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List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them

1. Beaching. Because I love the sun, the smells, the sounds, the sand, and the relaxation!
2. Cleaning. Especially doing the dishes by hand. It's stress-relieving for me. And satisfying when everything is clean and organized afterward.
3. Sleeping. Usually my first activity of choice. :) Seems like I can never get enough.
4. Driving. Stick shifts preferred, but simply driving has become one of my favorite things since I've been at college without a car for so long.
5. Listening to vinyl records. It makes me all nostalgic, on of my favorite emotions. Plus, it's great music!

22/30 Things: Years from Now

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Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

5 Years from Now... (age 27)
I hope to be married and living back in Florida with one or two kids. I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom during this stage of my kids' lives, but depending on my husband's situation, I could be working full- or part-time, preferably in an office doing some sort of secretarial or clerk work. We're pretty dirt poor, but loving life together. :)

10 Years from Now... (age 32)
If I hadn't made it back to Florida yet, I would really hope so by now. The child count reaches five, and I'm a full-blown, kick-butt, awesome-sauce mom. My kids don't know what a DVD or an iPod is, and my house/car/everything is significantly interactive. Life is great! If I haven't been working outside the home this whole time, I probably will be by now, hopefully doing something I enjoy.

15 years from now ... (age 37)
I have my first teenager-- scary! The kids are growing up way too fast. I've properly trained up my husband by this point and he and I are having a lot of fun raising our family. I've fallen behind slightly in technological advances and sometimes have to ask my kids to help me use stuff. Time is moving way too fast, but we're looking forward to the adventure of the rest of our lives!

21/30 Things: Superpower

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If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

I have always wished that I could teleport. I just really hate walking and the time that it takes to get from one point to another. This desire has increased over the last few years as I don't have a car to get me places. The first thing I would do would be to go visit my mom and dad in Florida. And then I would probably go to the beach. :)

20/30 Things: Childhood Memories

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Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

Baptism and confirmation into the church, age 8. My memories of this are actually very sketchy, but I'll do my best. I remember sitting in the office with Bishop Rothas for my baptism interview right before I turned 8. I know he asked me a few questions and I don't feel like I answered the very well. I do remember that we talked a lot about Jesus and his example of baptism. The day of my baptism is a foggy memory as well. It was my exact birthday. I think I remember that my Grandpa Bill gave a talk, and I was really happy to have him and Grandma Sue there. Even though I don't remember much about my baptism day, I remember more about the next day when I was confirmed in sacrament meeting. Our ward had just split, and I was the newest member of the newly-formed University Park Ward. I thought that was pretty cool.

Fracturing my wrist. I don't remember how old I was or even which arm it was that I fractured (funny how that happens, huh?). I fell off the roof of my Fisher-Price playhouse while playing in my room. I remember just lying on the floor on my back waving my arms and crying. My mom tells me that she didn't realize it was broken/fractured until a couple days later when it still hurt and then she took me to the emergency room. I remember going to the hospital and getting an x-ray and then getting a cast put on my arm. It was neon pink and I really liked it. Because I loved to swim and it was summer time, I got a waterproof one that I could wear in the pool, which I thought was awesome. I remember wanting to show it to all my friends.

Rides to school in the bike trailer. When I was in elementary school we only had one car that my dad took to work, so I got rides to school on the back of my mom's bike in a child trailer. I remember thinking it was pretty neat, except sometimes when I had to share the small space with my sister. I have a poignant memory of one time that it was raining and we had to have the plastic cover down, and I don't think I liked it because it got hot and foggy, or something. I was really sad that I couldn't ride in it anymore when I got bigger.

19/30 Things: Live Anywhere

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If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

In a dream world, I would love to live somewhere like Venice, Italy. A place where everything is vintage and people slow down and enjoy life. Where I could be close to the waterfront, and take a gondola down the river any time I wanted. Where I could spend my afternoons sitting at a cafe, reading, and eating sorbet to my heart's content. Where you walk along cobbled stone alleys and everyone rides mopeds. That sounds like the life.

Semi-realistically, I would love to live anywhere on the beach. If I could have a beach front house (preferably on the Gulf Coast of Florida) with flour white sand and crystal clear water just a step away. Lots of sunshine and a wide, open horizon.  I'd drive a hippie van and maybe have a boat. But mostly I would just love the smell of the surf and the sunscreen.

More realistically, I would also love to live in DC. I love the metro there, and that would be such a nice way to get around. It'd be great if I worked somewhere in historic downtown Washington, so that I could take a stroll down the Mall during lunch time. I would want to live close enough to the historic district that I could go exploring any time I wanted. There's so much history there!

Finally, the most probable option would be to live near my parents' neighborhood in Orlando. I'd probably get a flat in Avalon's little town center overlooking the pond and fountain. I'd take my dog, Rosie, on walks and to visit my parents who are just a bike ride away. And I'd live near the awesome people in my ward that I love, and be just a 45 minute drive away from the beach. Pretty perfect.

18/30 Things: Forgiving

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What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I've always thought that I am a very forgiving person. Before last year, I couldn't think of any real grudges I held. I didn't really know what it meant when people talked about it being difficult to forgive. I always found it pretty easy to let go of things. That was, until I experienced my first break-up. This break-up was by no means messy or bad, but it was the first time I had had to deal with anything like that. (Apparently this generally happens in high school when most people have their first relationships.) After I got over the initial shock of the break that lasted a few weeks, I tried to move on.

My attempts to "move on" were thwarted by the circumstances that surrounded me. I saw and interacted with my ex on a regular basis: we were in the same class, the same ward, and also comprised the major leadership of our ward (as Elders Quorum and Relief Society presidents). Because of this frequent interaction, it was easy to be hurt again and again by things he (usually unwittingly) did. For the first time in my life I wanted to make someone else hurt as much as I was hurting. I wanted all the worst of bad luck for him in love and life. I'd never felt this way toward anyone. 

I finally couldn't stand these awful feelings. I took it to the Lord. As a result, I spent innumerable nights on my knees in prayer and made countless searches in the scriptures to figure out how to forgive. Up to this point in my life, I guess I hadn't ever learned what it really meant to forgive, as I'd never been truly hurt before. And the forgiveness definitely didn't happen all at once, but it came slowly over time--and with a LOT of work and effort on my part. One of the hardest scriptures I struggled to apply in this situation was, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matt 5:44), but have gotten much better at it! 

I am so grateful for this small instance in which I could learn how to forgive, so that I can now use what I've learned in future and more difficult situations.

17/30 Things: Skills

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What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

I wish that I were really good at talking to people. I would love it if it was esay for me to make conversation with people that I don't know. Mostly, I want to feel more comfortable and personable in those kind of situations. I really admire people who can do this so easily. This is something that I've gradually become better at over the last few years, but it still does not come naturally to me. I guess I am wishing for a change in my nature, really.

16/30 Things: Accomplishments

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What are your five greatest accomplishments?

1. Completing my Young Women's Personal Progress program and receiving my medallion. (age 16 or 17?)

2. Graduating from high school with AP Honors (completion of 6 AP classes and exams) and National Honors Society recognition. (age 18)

3. Getting accepted to BYU! (age 18)

4. Passing Econ 110 with an A, the class that I'd previously withdrawn from because it was so hard. That same semester, I pulled myself out of academic warning with a 3.8 GPA, all while going through my first break up and being Relief Society President. I consider that whole semester quite an accomplishment. (age 21)

5. Running my first 5K, with a time of 36 minutes . (age 22)

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

~Philippians 4:13~

15/30 Things: Animal

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If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

I think it would be fun to be a dog. First of all, people don't eat dogs, so I wouldn't have to worry about being killed for food. :) Also, people usually take good care of their dogs. Plus, they just run around and play all day, have squeaky toys, bark at things, eat food, lay in the sun, chase bugs... it sounds like a pretty nice life. I would hate to be a dumb dog, though. I'd have to be a smart one who could do tricks or maybe be a guide dog or something useful like that.

My baby puppy Rosie!